Even the drive home was nice. Randy could not remember the last time he drove with the radio cranked up, singing along to his favorite songs. Mostly his car played Hannah Montana these days, Nell liked Hannah. She would sing along, making up words, bouncing around like a little head banger. Randy smiled thinking about it, he missed Nell a little bit already, but he needed this weekend, and he was not going to back out now like he did the last two times. He was going to watch a baseball game, not Sponge Bob. He was going to order a pizza, with everything. He was going to have a few beers, and then maybe a few more. This would be the first time Nell was away from him for more than 9 hours, in over two years. Two years since her mother went away. It was hard raising a little girl all alone. He had thought about dating some recently, but not seriously. How could he, when being away from Nell for too long made him feel like his heart was going to jump out of his chest?
Randy pulled into the driveway, locking the door of this 1999 Honda. If he a promotion at work he was going to get a new car, old Harriet was on her last leg. Or tire, might be more appropriate. Randy patted the hood, chuckling to himself a bit. He was feeling a bit giddy. After checking the handle again, to make sure the car was locked after the beep, he turned up the walkway, thinking maybe he should put some flowers there, he and Nell could make a project of it. When he reached the porch, he paused, standing in the faint yellow light, looking around, suddenly weary, his giddiness gone as fast as it came. He knew this feeling. They generally did not come on so sudden, but then again, he generally was not going to spend a night without being able to look in on his daughter. He said down on the swing, taking deep breaths, trying to fight down the fear. There was nothing to worry about; he trusted his sister Kay and her husband, Brian to look after Nell. Nell was safe. He was also safe. He was home, on his porch swing. Nothing was wrong. He could do this.
His therapist told him these were panic attacks, and gave him a bottle of Xanax to take when they happened, but the one time he took it, he felt so quite inside, that he just wanted to sit and stare at the walls. What if it dulled his response time? What if there was an accident, and he needed to get Nell to the hospital? He would not risk that, just to feel quiet. No amount of quiet was worth putting Nell in even the littlest bit of danger, not again. He had put Nell though enough already. The shrink said not to think of it that way, that it was not his fault. But really it was, he knew Amanda had abusive tendencies. He knew she battled with depression, he knew about her rough childhood. And yet, when she finally snapped, for good, he was surprised. Or maybe he was just stupid. He put his baby girl in danger, because he had some fantasy that love, a home and a child would somehow chase away Amanda’s demon’s. The therapist said that he needed to give himself permission to be angry at Amanda. But he wasn’t. He never really was. Even with the scar on his right shoulder, or the cap on his tooth. Even the credit card charges he was still paying, even Nell’s nightmares, which were finally going away. He could not bring himself to blame her, because he only had enough room to blame himself. He should have known, he should have stopped her, he should have gotten her help sooner, and he should have gotten himself help. The doctor said the first thing the victim has to do, is learn not to blame themselves, they have to learn that everything that happened to them was not deserved punishment.
This was no time to think about Amanda. This was his weekend. He stood up, took one more deep breath, and unlocked the door.
The house was so quiet, creepy quite without Nell. Randy went straight to the T.V, turning it on, before heading in the kitchen to call for pizza. He always called the same pizza restaurant, Tony’s Place. He knew the family who ran it, not well, Vince their oldest son, had been a year or two behind him in High school. Whatever happened to Vince? Last Randy heard Vince had gone to Chicago for law school. His parents were lovely people; his mother was actually from Italy. And more importantly the pizza was pretty good, and cheaper than Pizza Hut. Being a single dad meant pizza happened for dinner a lot more than it probably should. Amanda had been a good cook.
Randy got a beer from the fridge, and then sat down in his chair. The game would be on soon, the Cubs would be playing the Braves tonight. Maybe Nell was old enough to go to a live game; she would be 6 in a few months. She was growing up so fast. Randy flipped through the channels, not really watching anything, just wasting time. He stopped when he saw the news, hoping for the weather report, tomorrow would be a great day to get some yard work done. Yard work was rather difficult when you had a 5 year old trying to help. No weather report yet, the new anchors we still talking, with those little pictures in the box over their shoulder, Randy was about to click the remote over to the weather channel when he recognized the place they were showing. It was Pine Lake, mental health facility. Amanda’s hospital, he turned up the sound a bit, leaning in interested.
“The three patients are still missing, but Dr. Joyce says the law enforcement is currently looking for them, and there is little reason to be alarmed. The patients names, have not been released, due to HIPPA regulation, but Dr. Joyce says it is unlikely that they would be a danger to anyone they encounter. In other local news, Jonathan Mills from Bethel Middle School will be going to Washington D.C, for the National Spelling Bee…”
Randy sat there, the anchors’ voice replaced by the swish, swish noise of his blood. It can’t be Amanda, there was no way, she was kept so drugged most of the time that she would not have had the motivation. Or at least she was last time he asked about her, he generally did not ask. He got up, forcing himself not to run, and went into the kitchen. A red 2 was flashing on his answering machine. He pushed the play button.
“Hey, Randy, it’s Kay. I was just calling to see if you were still planning to come by tonight and drop off, Nell…..oh, what? He is? Ok, Brian says you just pulled up, so feel free to delete this. “
“Beep”
“Randy, this is Dave. I just wanted to let you know, I got a call from Pine Lake a few minutes ago. They said that Amanda was missing. Now I am sure there is nothing for you or Nell to worry about, she is doing much, much better now, you know. She just needed a little bit of help and support; you really should bring Nell to see her sometimes. I know you don’t want to, and I understand, but she is her mother. But, you know how I feel about it. But anyway, I am sure they will have found her before you get this message, give me a call and I will let you know if I know anything new, tell Nelly I said hi”
“Beep”
Silence, heavy, smothering silence. He knew right then, why he was thinking about Amanda, he knew why he started to have a panic attack on the porch. He could smell sickly sweet fake raspberry and baby powder. She was such a creature of habit, and they encouraged the patients to have familiar things, they would try to give them what they were used to. Bath and Body works Sun-ripened raspberry soap and lotion, and baby powder scented deodorant. That is how she smelled the day he meet her, that is how she smelled the day the police took her away.
“Oh, Daddy called, that’s nice”
That is how she smelled, right now.
Randy turned slowly, feeling faint. There she was, she looked like he remembered, but older than he expected. Her honey blond hair was cut short, almost as short as his, her features looked sharper. Her blue eyes were wide, so was her smile. She still looked pretty, she still looked like Amanda.
“I am so glad to be home, Randy, they let me out today, and told me I could come home. I thought you would be there to pick me up. I missed you. It seems so long since you visited” she said.
Randy swallowed, licking his lips, unsure if he could speak. But he knows he has to, nothing makes Amanda madder than being ignored.
“Hi, honey. I missed you too. How have you been?” Randy said. He looked around the room, hoping to find an escape.
“Lonely, scared, angry, but I feel better now. I am home, with my loving husband. Just you and me like it should be.” She said.
Oh, god. Nell. She was in the room, behind me listening to her father’s message. Did she hear Kay? Does she know where Nell is? He looks back at the answering machine, with its solid red 2. Why did I not erase the fucking message? Kay told me to. Amanda knows where Kay lives.
“What do you want to do tonight, Randy, we could go out if you want, or we could stay in”
Please, please, please don’t let her look for Nell, please, please.
“Randy, I said, what do you want to do tonight?” Amanda said.
“Anything you want, honey. Maybe we could go out for sushi, or ice cream”
If I can just get her out of the house, I can get help, someone can call the cops.
“No, I don’t think I want to, we need to stay here, you are having trouble paying attention as it is apparently, going out would be a bad idea, let’s just go to the living room, we can talk” she say, turning her back to him as she walks away. For just a second he thinks about running. Then he follows her in the living room.
Amanda stands in the living room, turning around in small circles.
“I noticed when I got home earlier that a lot of my stuff is gone, where is my cheerleading trophy? Where is the quilt Grandma Leigh gave me? Where is that painting I bought a few years ago? Where are my candles?” She walked over to the mantle. Looking at the pictures, picking up one of them.
“How come there are no pictures of me? All I see are pictures of the brat? Why do you have so many pictures of the little bitch, it is not as if she is anything to look at, she has buckteeth like a rabbit”
She makes a rabbit face, and laughs. Then she flings the picture she is holding to the stone hearth. It shatters small pieces of glass flying into the air. Everything else on the mantle follows, the little snowman Nell made at school, breaking into three little balls. The picture fame she painted for father’s day breaks too. Randy is angry. Nell worked hard to make those things, but Amanda has to ruin everything.
“I am so glad she in not here, and I don’t want her to come back, ok? She can stay with your sister. I wish I had managed to get rid of her when I tried, I really don’t know why you stopped me, admit it, you hate the little bug to, fucking parasite.” She says.
What do I say?
Amanda is in my face so fast, I don’t see her move, and she grabs the back of his hair, pulling it hard.
“Talk to me Randy, what is wrong with you? You are not even acting like you missed me.” She pulls his hair harder, shaking his head from side to side. “I said, what the fuck, is a matter with you?” She pushes him in the wall, where he falls to sitting position “Is it her? Nel-lee?” She says, walking back to the mantle “Is she your problem?” She puts her foot down on one of the as yet unbroken picture frames. It breaks, and she grinds the glass into the photo with her heel. “Well don’t worry, baby, I can fix that problem, this time I will not mess up” She bends down, picking up one of the larger pieces of glass, and walks back over to Randy sitting on the ground. She bends down, looks him in the eyes, and slices his arm open before he even has a chance to move. Blood flows down his arm, but he does not care.
Amanda is going to hurt my Nell. When she is finished with me, she is going to hurt my baby.
For first time, Randy wants to hurt her. He wants to punch her, and see her bleed. He wants to rip her into pieces. That time she hurt Nell, all he could think of at the time was keeping her safe, getting her to the hospital. He hit Amanda not to hurt her, but to get her off Nell. Right now, Nell is not here, she is safe, for now.
Randy punches her, with everything he has, which is not much from this position, but kneeling she is easily unbalanced, and the falls to her back. He puts his knee in her chest and he punches her, knocking her head to the side, blood shots from her nose. Randy grabs her throat, squeezing. She struggles, but he weighs more than her, he is stronger. He has always been stronger, he never had to take this from her. He squeezes hard, she makes sick apoplectic noises, sort of like the cat horking up a hair ball. She tried to buck him off, her face red, her nails clawing at his arms. His blood is all over her right arm, and the cream colored carpet. Her face starts to turn blue, he just holds on tighter.
Randy feels two strong hands, under his armpits, pulling him away. He screams wordlessly, he screams with pain and frustration, his hands reaching towards Amanda, trying to grab at her throat again.
“Mr. Thomas, stop, Mr. Thomas” A voice is screaming in his ear, a voice he knows. He looks to see who as pulled him off Amanda. It’s Kelly, he works for Tony’s.
Why is he here?
Amanda scurries away, tears in her eyes, crying is hard racking sobs. Kelly is looking at Randy, like he is a monster.
“Miss, are you ok?” says Kelly
Amanda shakes nods her head, scurrying farther away from them both.
“Let me go” Randy screams “Don’t let her get away”
“Calm down Mr. Thomas, the police are on their way, I told Ms. Kingston next door to called them”
No, that was the wrong thing to say. Amanda is going to try to run for it. She is going to hurt my baby.
Randy push off Kelly as hard as he can, coming back to his knees on the floor, making a grab for Amanda’s ankle. He is going to hold on to her, until the police arrive. No matter what. Amanda struggles, Kelly tries to pull him off, but Randy holds on. He has to protect Nell. His mind is a blur of anger and fear. At some point he hears sirens, and then the cops are there, he lets go, face to the bloody carpet, sobbing.
The police put him in one car, not cuffed him because of the bleeding gash in his left arm. They put a screaming, biting Amanda in another.
Randy smiles. He stopped her, he fought back. His won. Nell is safe.
I must remember to tell Dr. Johannes, I am not the “victim”.
